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Post by Kija on Jul 10, 2005 22:17:10 GMT -6
The story seems interesting, but I would recommend to correctly format the text, such as making a new paragraph when people are speaking. I also suggest using the spell check command as well. Although these are minor issues, they would improve the story and allow it to be easier read.
So far, the story looks good, and I am hoping to see more. Also, a bit off topic, but if some more stories are posted, a contest will be started soon.
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Post by asmodeus on Jul 11, 2005 0:06:01 GMT -6
I agree, i really find it hard to go through a paragraph that has 2 or more peoples dialogue in it. But its good otherwise.
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Post by Kija on Jul 11, 2005 8:31:06 GMT -6
The next two posts of your story. I really wish you would have started to format it, since it really would make it much better. The desciptions are good, but I think you worked a lot on blood, and forgot mostly everything else. It would be nice to see more than just that, I know that I did see others as well, but compared to the other, it seemed lacking. I am also curious as to where the character Bolt came from, I do not recall seeing him anywhere else in the story. Your story is looking good, but that formatting is something that I would love to see.
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Post by Taterz on Jul 11, 2005 13:07:48 GMT -6
it seems bolt is trying to scare me with descriptions of blood and gore. try harder bolt, you're almost there!
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Post by Kija on Jul 11, 2005 13:38:38 GMT -6
Yes, I believe that is his goal. But gore is not just about blood, it is about the sounds, and what is going beyond that.
Such as describing the dagger entering the eye. The popping and crackly, the crimson blood and juices hissing as it squirts out from the dripping opening. The blade going in deep, its jagged blade serrating against the eye socket, grinding roughly, the sound of metal gnawing on bone. The screams that echoed through the empty caverns, emanating the fear that glinted in the dagger.
Perhaps describing how he grabs the person hair; grabbing it roughly as it greasly slides through his finger, jerking quickly, the scalp lifting up and pulling back his face, revealing his tense eyes, as the dagger appears in his vision, impaling him. The darkness that comes about, as he slowly fades away from the pain and loss of blood.
Those are only examples, but I believe describing more than just the blood makes the story more interesting, and in the end better. Your descriptions are not bad, nor are mine good either. I am looking forward as to what you will post next your story, and I do hope to seem some formatting.
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Post by Bolt on Jul 12, 2005 14:48:26 GMT -6
the bolt thing was a typo, i was telling someone my msn and i forgot to edit that out
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