I am become Sadist.

[Dreamer]

Year of our Lord, Nexus, 95.
This is my first entry into my journal of Observations. I shall experiment with many things during the course of my lifetime, and I will record there findings here. On the slight chance that this shall be discovered long after my death, I am Brandon, Red Mage of Ruoze. I am one of the few at this time who can use magic, and at this time there are only a few who have surpassed me in such, currently. If my experiments fair well, that will change, however.

Year of our Lord, Nexus, 95.
This is my second entry. It has been 8 months since the 1st, and the new Year of the Lord is soon here. During these months I have advanced myself in physical and magical power. Things are changing...the empire is becoming more advanced in power and technology every day. This is surely the work of our Lord, Nexus. But, I fear something is coming...something horrible.

Year of our Lord, Nexus, 100.
Entry 12. 5 years since my first entry. I have learned much. My magic has advanced yet again. Fire is the most powerful, now. Lit is a second, and Ice is third. I can bastardize the elements now, into one powerful magic of all elements. Combining these three elements is a great weapon against any opponent, mostly because of the change in body temperature. The body cannot truly accept the damage it is taking.

During these past 5 years, I have found a partner in my pursuit of knowledge and understanding. She is a beautiful woman, and she, like me, is searching for an advancement in Physical and Magical power both. I feel as though I have grown feelings for this woman, even though I have only known her for a few weeks. Lord Nexus smiles upon me.

Year of our Lord, Nexus, 102.

Entry 28. My travels have gotten much more interesting, lately, it seems. I have written so much more over the course of the seemingly short time since I first mentioned Xia two years ago. Two years...I love this woman. I am unsure if she feels the same...I cannot say at this time. Strange...I am so powerful on the battle field, and yet I can't even express my feelings in the open calm of the deserts, or the marshes, even under the sky so blue. Nay.

During my time with Xia, I have noticed many things...it seems that she actually like the pain given to her by the chaotic monsters. She likes to bleed...feel pain, tear, smile her sweet, broken smile...whenever she can, she tries to spar with me. Often we make things interesting by her using no magic, or me using no weapons, or both of us not using armor. A strange glint in her eyes appear when I hurt her...I do not know what this means, exactly. A strange feeling comes over me, also...I love to see her reveling in her pain, her misery! I like to see the scarlet drip from her arms...so many times, countless times, have I watched her bleeding...dying...only watching, starring, obsessing over her blood loss, before she finally decides to heal herself. Oh Lord, Nexus, have I sinned in letting her do this? Have I sinned in becoming absolutely obsessed with this? Oh Lord, Nexus, please...give me an answer...

(I will try to complete this journal entrees at a later date. I hope you had some joy reading this...at least more than pain.)

[Dreamer]

Year of our Lord, Nexus, 105

Entry 39. Again I have advanced in magic and physical knowledge. I have studied with various Knights and Fighters and learned skills from them, such as Chop and Slash. I do not need Warcry for "Chop" as I can use my magic to refine my body for a short time. I am also able to instill the elements into my blade with so much more ease, now. Xia has also advanced greatly. From the mages she learned how to use Drain and Healstorm, as well as Harm. While our magics are not as powerful as the originals, in combination with physical power we are very powerful.

I finally confessed my love for Xia a few days ago...no words were spoken beyond this, for the longest time. We just looked at each other...deeply, our differences...She is a small thing, seemingly fragile, but she could easily hold her own. She is very fast, fast acting. I, however, am pretty big for a Red Mage. Not as big as a Fighter or a Knight, of course, but on par with Dragoons. I am quick where she is fast. My skin is dark slight, while her's is almost unnaturally white. Had I not known any better, I would have guessed she was from the ice caves.

Despite our physical differences, however, we are similar. We both like pain, surpassing our own limit, bastardizing magic, and experimentation. And as we looked, endless into each other eyes, I could not help but notice something there...a look in her eyes, deep. Hidden. Unintentional. A look...a look like mine. Fragments...

Lord Nexus, what does this mean?

Year of our Lord, Nexus, 110.

Entry 74. During these last few years I have found the world slowly becoming more and more...human. Nature is becoming merely a resource, no longer a friend...the planet is begining to die, but only slightly. Slowly. Like someone scratching their skin, watching as the little white flakes appear and fall...it does no damage if left alone after a while, but do it continuiously and blood will soon appear. Damage is still damage.

Xia and I have agreed to marry after we perfect ourselves and find out why some monsters are chaotic in battle, and why the world seems to be so wrong, yet innocent, in a way...ugh. I am not good at explaination.

I am becoming a Sadist more and more each day. Xia is becoming more Masochistic, but not slave-like...she has free will, and freely expresses so in and out of battle. This horror is still inside of me...still there, still hidden. Lord Nexus, what does this mean?

Am I no longer a Sadomasochist?